Thursday, February 17, 2011

My Stance on Dragons and Werewolves

I'll be honest, not that I'm a liar or anything but so long as you're here and scanning my blog then perhaps I could do my best not to bend the truth. I don't particular like dragons, or werewolves. I dislike dragons more than werewolves, but would cringe at a situation where I'm forced to deal with either one exclusively.

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Dragons are suppose to be long lived mythical beings of super awesome power and intelligence, but most of the time they're so unmotivated that your more likely to stumble across them while looking for something else entirely. They're a bit like your unambitious friends, you know the intelligent ones whom regard work as though it were a mortal trope designed to keep the lessor minds busy. They, instead, have more important matters to attend to, like watching every episode of a scifi show they only marginally enjoy just so they can more accurately trash it in the presence of others. 
Dragons are hipsters like that, they pretend not to care, they plot the demise of a culture for centuries and then if you topple their plans they'll just say "I was just bored and didn't put THAT much effort into it. Say, now that you're here, have you seen Dollhouse? I didn't like it very much, it had its moments but really went downhill in episode 3-" There's just no fun in a killing a beast that isn't living up to its potential, you almost feel bad for them, like if they'd just find something they really enjoyed they could pour their effort into it and really do something with themselves. Instead they just lazily nap on their treasure couch and bitch about the world while watching reruns of Gilmore Girls. I guess they're also a bit like my Uncle Tom, he raises Emus near Seymor Texas even through I've once seen him take apart a radio, transistor by transistor and lay them out perfectly on the table and put then put it all back in perfect working order. Which by itself isn't a huge feat I guess, but he wasn't really paying attention to the radio at all, and if anyone drew attention to what he was doing he'd just wave us off and claim anyone could do this. 

My biggest problem with werewolves is that they remind me too much of a depressed redneck. Sometimes you get a werewolf who embraces their new life like a refugee from mexico working at a porn shop, but more often than not they're all boo hoo over the fact that every full moon they can't have any friends over. In just about every movie or novel there's a glorious point, usually around the middle of the story, when the werewolf FINALLY embraces their life. That's short lived though and some bitch has to ruin the whole thing and remind them they could never be together, because of the previously mentioned full moon parties.  I don't understand why most girls have to look down a werewolf's blind blood lust, but they never stop to think about just how awesome it is to be able to toss a dude through several walls while gracefully hopping over furniture like a giant grizzly ballerina until finally sinking its claws and teeth into the vital parts of an accountant's anatomy. 

If my girlfriend were a werewolf, we'd never stop having sex, because that shit is hot. (though I'd keep a pair of shears on me at all times)

So maybe my problem with werwolves are the personalities of people who tend to become werewolves. For once I want a story about a guy who was extremely happy about being being one, someone thinks it's completely badass to have super strength and enhanced senses of smell. Maybe that will be the subject of a story I'll write. We'll see.

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