Comfort Visions

06/09/2011

Days until Con : 84

I've always been a bigger person and for the longest time I felt that's just the way it is. In life there's always death, taxes, and me having a few extra pounds. Of course there was a very short amount of time when I'd lost a lot of weight unintentionally and didn't even realize it until ladies actually started talking to me, like directly. (usually I had to engage them in psychological warfare, getting laid was tedious to say the least.)

You see, I worked at McDonalds at the time as a manager and if you've ever worked in fast food you know that it's probably the best exercise you'll get in your life. I'd recently picked up smoking so my appetiate was suppressed, or I think it's better to say that my body was confused. I remember being full from smoking, and wasn't sure if I was hungry or just really wanting to cigarette. But that was one of the first moments where I stood back and realized that a few extra pounds isn't where I have to stay.

As these things happen, I remembered  how to eat and got use to smoking, and steadily I'd gained weight back to what it use to be. Then I switched to an office job and the weight continued to stealthily gain. Sometimes you don't realize how many pounds your putting on even though you look at yourself in the mirror every day. There was a day in particular that I wore a tight sweater to be ironic and had someone take a picture. When I looked at the picture I hardly recognized the person.

How could I not see the weight in the mirror? It's amazing how our mind lulls us into these comfort visions.

Did I do anything about it? Yeah, at first. I worked out, though when I look back at my exercises then I hardly call what I did any form of working out, but I lost a little. Enough for me to pick up a small chunk of confidence, I was still big, but not AS big. It was enough for me to relax, and if you've seen my Dragon Con 2010 pictures, then you know just how relaxed I'd let myself become. I'd even thought being obese suit me at a certain point, thought perhaps I looked like a giant sexy teddy bear.

I believe in some circles they call this denial. As I am not obviously not a teddy bear.

I bring this up because sometimes I'm not sure when I look in the mirror what I actually see. I see progress, but how much of that progress is my subconscious throwing me a bone? My BMI still rates me as clinically obese but I honestly don't see it. Subjectively I've tried, and believe me, I'm a artist and which comes with the prerequisite of being too hard on yourself.

Does anyone else see comfort visons? Or am I just insanely paranoid and have deep rooted trust issues with reflective objects?